Welcome to Spyro the Dragon Forums!

You are not logged in.

#1 Mar 18, 2009 6:49 PM

EloraRocksCynderSucks
Member
From: Where I rant on Cynder and TLo
Registered: Mar 16, 2009
Posts: 81
Gems: 0

The Legend of Elora: Uprising (A Spyro RPG)

Holy hand grenade, this is massive, so it's all behind the spoiler tag.


Hidden text

Ignitus was carrying a batch of eggs to a new home. A baby faun, about half the size of the eggs, fell to it's death after slipping off the eggs. Hunter, one of the inhabiters of Avalar, saw a blur of pink-red coming closer, when he saw the pink faun about to die. Hunter caught the female faun, named it Elora and found the Temple of Avalar before she could die of fright.


A few years later, Elora was playing tag with her best friend Spyro the dragon. Spyro then charged away, and Elora followed him. Spyro ran into a Snail Rider, was ate, and was rescued by Elora after seconds. Spyro was suddenly kidnapped by Zebras and she needed to rescue him.


Spyro was then about to be stamped on by one of the zebras, when Elora shouted: "Spyro, look out! Nooooooooo!" and whoosh! Poison city!


After killing the rest of the Zebras, Elora and Spyro go to their parents.

End of part 1, but comment and i will continue the story.


Cynder: OK, Elora, you win!
EloraRocksCynderSucks: For all your ETD needs

Offline

#2 Mar 18, 2009 7:09 PM

Kjakings
Member
Registered: Aug 03, 2008
Posts: 125
Gems: 0

Re: The Legend of Elora: Uprising (A Spyro RPG)

This seems more like an FF than an RP, maybe you want to ask for it to be changed sections?

There are several things wrong with that, if you don't mind me saying so.

First off, I recommend you get a spell-check to check your spelling and grammar, try typing it out in Microsoft Word beforehand.

Also, Elora is a faun, they don't have elemental powers and somehow I doubt that a snail rider that took down the purple dragon is going to simply be defeated by a faun.

You seem to be making Elora into what is known as a Mary-Sue: A character who is perfect/all powerful/totally perfect in every way, they're generally frowned upon.

Hunter and Ignitus' rolls were confusing, they appeared just magically out of nowhere to do what you need and then magically disappear, try to make them more clear and defined.

Also, try not to take lines specifically from the games, and it appears you stole the name from my RP, simply exchanging 'Spyro' for 'Elora', this probably isn't the case, but try checking.


[URL=http://Kjakings.dragonadopters.com/dragon_10367]userbar-3.png[/URL]
[URL=http://www.dragcave.net/user/Kjakings]ScrollKja.jpg[/URL]
My avatar is custom,no stealie.

Offline

#3 Mar 19, 2009 4:53 PM

EloraRocksCynderSucks
Member
From: Where I rant on Cynder and TLo
Registered: Mar 16, 2009
Posts: 81
Gems: 0

Re: The Legend of Elora: Uprising (A Spyro RPG)

Kjakings wrote:

This seems more like an FF than an RP, maybe you want to ask for it to be changed sections?

There are several things wrong with that, if you don't mind me saying so.

First off, I recommend you get a spell-check to check your spelling and grammar, try typing it out in Microsoft Word beforehand.

Also, Elora is a faun, they don't have elemental powers and somehow I doubt that a snail rider that took down the purple dragon is going to simply be defeated by a faun.

You seem to be making Elora into what is known as a Mary-Sue: A character who is perfect/all powerful/totally perfect in every way, they're generally frowned upon.

Hunter and Ignitus' rolls were confusing, they appeared just magically out of nowhere to do what you need and then magically disappear, try to make them more clear and defined.

Also, try not to take lines specifically from the games, and it appears you stole the name from my RP, simply exchanging 'Spyro' for 'Elora', this probably isn't the case, but try checking.

First off, it's life that you get wrong spelling/grammar sometimes. I don't even have Microsoft Word.

Elora is a rare type of faun that can harness all the elements that can be harnessed by a black dragon with knives on every joint, and it's tail, which has about 100 sharp horns on her head. (AKA: cynder)

What, frowned upon? Ember's what you call Elora and some people don't frown upon her...

I used them to just 'magically' appear out of nowhere and dissapeared completly, so no complaints.

Capping it off with this: It's not completly like Spyro: ANB, as the breaths and opening are completly diffrerent. Did you notice that Spyro got fire, but Elora got poison?

I used 'Uprising' because it was really good for a name of a legendary faun's adventure. I mean, Uprising means beginning, as on the cover LoS: ANB...


Cynder: OK, Elora, you win!
EloraRocksCynderSucks: For all your ETD needs

Offline

#4 Mar 19, 2009 7:16 PM

Blaze the Dragon
Member
Registered: Nov 24, 2007
Posts: 12,844
Gems: 0

Re: The Legend of Elora: Uprising (A Spyro RPG)

You could easily have used Emergence.

I have to agree with Kjakings however. Fauns in the games generally don't have any powers, aside from incredible wit.

You also made Spyro to be... weak. Being eaten and then trapped? A faun saving a dragon? Not very realistic, even as far as the Spyro games go.

Mary-Sue's are generally overhyped characters that are absolutely perfect, with pretty much no flaws. In the original Spyro games (AHT, SL) Spyro was overconfident. In TLoS, Spyro was somewhat naive. In your story, Elora has pretty much no flaws.

And when a character makes an entrance, it's usually believed that they'll have some established role.

Once again... it's still too similar. The same lines, and then a magical power appears? And as I said, Spyro isn't exactly defenseless.

To sum everything up... this story is a mockery of prose.


180122.png

Offline

#5 Mar 20, 2009 5:08 PM

Kjakings
Member
Registered: Aug 03, 2008
Posts: 125
Gems: 0

Re: The Legend of Elora: Uprising (A Spyro RPG)

EloraRocksCynderSucks wrote:
Kjakings wrote:

This seems more like an FF than an RP, maybe you want to ask for it to be changed sections?

There are several things wrong with that, if you don't mind me saying so.

First off, I recommend you get a spell-check to check your spelling and grammar, try typing it out in Microsoft Word beforehand.

Also, Elora is a faun, they don't have elemental powers and somehow I doubt that a snail rider that took down the purple dragon is going to simply be defeated by a faun.

You seem to be making Elora into what is known as a Mary-Sue: A character who is perfect/all powerful/totally perfect in every way, they're generally frowned upon.

Hunter and Ignitus' rolls were confusing, they appeared just magically out of nowhere to do what you need and then magically disappear, try to make them more clear and defined.

Also, try not to take lines specifically from the games, and it appears you stole the name from my RP, simply exchanging 'Spyro' for 'Elora', this probably isn't the case, but try checking.

First off, it's life that you get wrong spelling/grammar sometimes. I don't even have Microsoft Word.

Elora is a rare type of faun that can harness all the elements that can be harnessed by a black dragon with knives on every joint, and it's tail, which has about 100 sharp horns on her head. (AKA: cynder)

What, frowned upon? Ember's what you call Elora and some people don't frown upon her...

I used them to just 'magically' appear out of nowhere and dissapeared completly, so no complaints.

Capping it off with this: It's not completly like Spyro: ANB, as the breaths and opening are completly diffrerent. Did you notice that Spyro got fire, but Elora got poison?

I used 'Uprising' because it was really good for a name of a legendary faun's adventure. I mean, Uprising means beginning, as on the cover LoS: ANB...

Wow... no Word? Seriously, go out and buy it.

Cynder is not a 'black' dragon, she has been transformed by the darkness to what she is, a wind dragon is the general consensus for what she would've turned out as had she not been captured by Malefor.

Yes, but most do. There are those that are totally fanatical that ignore flaws despite what others tell them, it appears you are one of these over Elora.

Yes, that IS exactly what I said just worded slightly differently. Well done.

... You've gotta be kidding me. Seriously, it's still plagerism of the opening of ANB, if you don't know what that means go look it up on wikipedia.


[URL=http://Kjakings.dragonadopters.com/dragon_10367]userbar-3.png[/URL]
[URL=http://www.dragcave.net/user/Kjakings]ScrollKja.jpg[/URL]
My avatar is custom,no stealie.

Offline

Board footer

Powered by FluxBB